Kyohei: Person Critic
by Brenman
Summary: Kyohei is assigned a piece of homework. He has to review six meals, but surprise surprise, he's reviewing his friends instead. What will this culinary student say about the people he has regular dealings with, and what will his teacher think.


Disclaimer: I like ginger snaps. Come on, it's not like anybody reads these things.

Brenman: Here we go, a story about a chef's POV on anime Characters.

Kyohei: People Critic Extrodinaire

Teacher: Anita Crockpot

Assignment: Try six dishes of food. I would like you all to critic the foods and tell me what you would think compliments them the best and what you thought of the dishes themselves.

Student Name: Kyohei Tachibana

The meals that I have decided to review all most new to me, but I think that I have a pretty decent idea of what it is they're like.

Meal 1: Amy

If amy was a food, she would be without a doubt, the most sugar filled thing I have ever eaten, her sweetness is unmatchable by any other person I have ever met. She would be like a wafer of solidified sugar topped with pink icing and covered with chocolate sprinkles and bathed in a sweet caramel coating.

But what you wouldn't see lurking under the surface is that in the center she has yet to be cooked all the way through and her raw childness more often then not ruins what could have been a nice desert, but then again can I really fault her for acting like a kid every once in a while.

Perhaps the best surprise you could get out of her, if you like surprises like this, is that some one decided it would be a good idea to throw liberal amounts of nuts in her recipe, and she will every once in a while do something completely against logic because of it.

It would be best to serve this dessert after having a nice ten course meal of dreary reality.

Meal 2: Jo

Now Jo herself is a lot like what she eats. She's like a gourmet meal from the finest restaurant in the world. They only use the finest ingredients money can buy, and then someone completely covered it in red hot sauce. Without a tough coating of saliva or wax in your mouth, this almost perfectly prepared dish will have steam coming out of your ears faster then you can say ulcer.

This meal reminded me of a well prepared crepe with an itchy trigger finger, and sharp teeth... and someone's lit it on fire just to be safe, or perhaps it's something different. This meal may be like eating puffer fish. If the meal is prepared right, it's considered a delicacy, but if it's prepared just slightly wrong, it'll kill you, and them it'll kill you again. Just because it can.

Jo is like a loaf of the finest bread from the finest bakery in Paris, but the baker got a bit drunk last night at a wine and cheese party, and while he was fighting his hangover today he forgot to add the yeast. Unfortunately this ladies girlie parts failed to rise at all and the best breast bread from the best bakery in Paris turned out flat as a pancake.

Best served with a big glass of anything wet, or have a fire extinguisher nearby, because more often or not, wherever this dish is served, somethings going to blow up.

Meal 3: Meg

This dish is like a finely garnished dish, but it was created during a time when tie dye shirts were all the rage. As such while this dish may look extremely tasty, it's about as unpredictable as Don Cherry's wardrobe. You may be wondering why a Japanese Culinary student knows who Don Cherry is, but it's pretty simple. I was looking up cherry recipes one day, 'nuff said.

Meg is like a perfectly topped hot dog, it may look nice, but you really have no clue as to what exactly your getting inside. She could be equated to a batch of cookies with everything but the kitchen sink thrown in, and the baker never finished stirring properly. The cookies came out of the oven looking fine, but unfortunately each one is completely unique, some of them are nice and sweet, others are bitter and raw in the middle. Others still have that thing in them that was hiding at the back of your fridge since the last ice age. You know, the one that ate the green beans.

Perhaps the Meg dish is all over the place because she'll eat just about anything.

This dish is best served with plenty of rice, or indeed anything bland that could even it out. A nice big bowl of cream of wheat comes to mind.

Meal 4: Sei

This is an exquisite dish that uses only the finest ingredients. It was prepared perfectly by the finest chef's in the world, and then one of the garbage boys, like from that Ratatouille movie (Hey, what kind of culinary student would I be if I haven't seen that?) came along and dumped all the yeast in the mixing bowl. The result. The recipe rose a bit more then expected, but oh well, it didn't really ruin the taste.

What did ruin it a bit was the fact that the garbage boy also threw in a whole heaping pile of Aspartame. The result a meal that seems sweet on the outside, but upon closer inspection, it's not real sugar, it's a fake sincerity. This dish is more likely to eat you then the other way around. It will try and control you until it's used up all your usefulness, and then it will pay you a huge sum of money to get out of it's life.

This is best served with a no nonsense dish, perhaps a big steaming pile of Jo.

Meal 5: Leon

This hearty meal is like a large muscular wedge of cheese that's been stuffed in someone's sweaty, smelly, and hairy armpit. This dish smells about as masculine as the backside of a dirty rhinoceros.

While this meal may not look like the tastiest item on the menu, it is probably one of the better dishes I have sampled. It's a nice dish, maybe a tiny bit rough around the edges, but over all it was perhaps the only dish that wasn't partially insane or ready to kill me.

This dish goes well with just about any flavor possible.

Meal 6: Takana

Takana is like a tough steak that comes with it's own special knife. Problem is, the knife is wooden and the steak is over done. This steak has a tendency to bring all it's other tough steak buddies along with it, and if they don't like what your doing with her, they will attack you.

This meal may look well prepared on the outside with the garnish in all the right places, but with just one bite you'll find your self looking forward to something that isn't as hard as the armor plating on a cybot. The fact that this meal is from Osaka might be enough for some people to call it foreign, but I'm quite happy staying home if this is the best other cities can offer.

This dish is best served with a nice pair of false teeth, your going to need them for afterwards because it's quite possible she'll knock your real ones out.

This is about all I have to say concerning the six dishes I tried. For the record I can't choose which one I liked the best. If it's not too spicy, Jo would be my first choice, but Sei is nice too if she isn't leaving a nasty after taste in your mouth. Leon sounds like a nice enough dish, unfortunately, only women can order this dish in a restaurant. For the most part, I wouldn't recommend any of these meals on their own, but if you throw them together they surprisingly compliment each others flavors quite well.

Teachers note: Kyohei, maybe we should talk about getting you some different employment. maybe you could try working at an actual restaurant instead.

Teachers Note: I'll give you an A+ if you can give me Leon's phone number.

Grade: A+


End file.
